The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
pray to the hookup gods
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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