I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
