I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
