I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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