So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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