just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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