I think my fart just growled at me.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
