Church boner. Awkwardddd
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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