saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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