I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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