if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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