just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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