Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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