I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
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Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
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I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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