I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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