When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
