During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
