capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
