Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
When are your genitals available?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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