I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
