i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I pour the whiskey from now on
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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