I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
