gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
