sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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