So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
