So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
