That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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