then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
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Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
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Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
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