Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
