I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
