so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
