I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Randomize
