i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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