I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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