$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
