Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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