Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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