I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Randomize
