Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
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i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
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