He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
