Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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