If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I can't turn off my feet"
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
