he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
