i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
