she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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