Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
