When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
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