My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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