Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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