Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
