Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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