I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
