Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
