everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
